Dear American
liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama
supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late
1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize
that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years
for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run
its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and
will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly
terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences
and go our own way.
Here is a model separation
agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country
by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I
am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that,
it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can
effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and
disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you
can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU, and
abortion clinics. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our
firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell.
We'll keep the
capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless,
homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan
hockey moms and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC
and Hollywood
.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to
invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the
peaceniks, and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are
under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep
our Judeo-Christian values. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and
Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer
be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks
and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon
you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you
can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe
healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National
Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute I'd Like to Teach the World to
Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the
World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and
you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends
you, we'll keep our history, our name and our
flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass
it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you
do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting,
I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15
years.
Sincerely,
John J.
Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please
take Barbara Streisand and Jane Fonda with
you.